Mia Hungry Long Time!

Easy Peasy Puttanesca: Spaghetti of the Whores


I have spent the last month eating and forgetting to blog about it. I am a bad, bad food blogger, flogger if you will, you can punish me if you want.

Because I’ve spent the last month eating well and getting real obese, this month I am not. The money well is completely drained, and all there’s left is canned food. Oy vey! But no worries, there’s always puttanesca: The naughtiest of all pasta. Based on my very extensive five minute research (which was really just reading this Wikipedia page), the name of this dish translates to “Whore’s Spaghetti”. How bold! How refreshing!

Apparently, back in the 50’s there were lots of sexy houses aka brothels in good ol’ Italy. They were actually state-owned. How bold! How refreshing! How Nevada! Anyways, while most Italian ladies go to the market every morning to get their fresh ingredients for them yummy dishes, the ladies of the night only go once a week, because they were too busy you know, prolly sleeping most mornings since they must be all tired from nights of you know, knitting and stuff. So to make their groceries last for the week, they buy lots of stuff that keep well, like canned foods.

The ingredients for puttanesca keep for a long time and most of them you can get in canned and jarred forms: canned tomatoes, olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, etc.

Before we get started, please know that I do not cook with real recipes. I do it my way, just like the good people at Burger King. I have no idea how many pinches, tablespoons, grams of stuff actually go in a dish. I just go by instinct, like Britney Spears. Most of the times this strategy works, sometimes I totally bombed. Please don’t ask me about my asian shrimp sheperd’s pie hybrid fiasco. *shudder*

But with puttanesca, no worries, it’s the perfect dish to cook by instinct! Go by what you like, if you love olives, put lots in. If you hate anchovies, don’t put too much in. As long as you have the basic ingredients, it’ll all be aiight. TRUST.

Just make sure that you TASTE AS YOU GO. This is very important. Taste it again and again and keep adding stuff until you get the right taste.

With that said, also know that I am not a chef. I have no fancy techniques, nor a fancy kitchen. My kitchen is actually really crappy. But it works. I also don’t have any fancy cookwares and utensils. I wish I have a Le-Creuset to cook this delish sauce in but hey Target pots work too.

Let’s begin!
Or as the Italians say, Let’so begino-eh?

First, have all the things you need in one place.


You won’t have to run around your kitchen midst cooking and forget stuff!
What I had:

Chopped garlic (from a jar, because I forgot to get the real thing. This is fine but the non-jarred stuff is always better)
Imported Italian whole peeled plum tomatoes (please get the Italian stuff, they’re not expensive)
Black olives (kalamata might be better but I am poor and black olives work just fine)
Anchovy paste (regular canned/ jarred anchovies are fine too but if you get these get the one in olive oil)
Mushrooms (not a puttanesca ingredient per se, but I LOVE mushrooms so eff it! Look at me so outside-the-box!)
Red pepper flakes
Olive oil
Salt and pepper

And oh, I love eating puttanesca with fresh pasta, so I got the supermarket version: Buttoni fresh linguini. This stuff is GOOD. Of course you can get the fancy ones from your local Italian shop or the regular dry pasta kind, all good! I suggest getting long noodle-y type of pasta instead of the tubey kind. It’s just better with this sauce for some reason.

Prep your veggies, chop them the way you like ’em:


Yes, I am aware that that is an insane amount of olives. They are sooooo good!

Okay let’s go!

Heat up olive oil in your giant cheapo Target pot on lower medium heat:


Once the oil is hot, put the garlic in:


I like lots of garlic, because I like to give men sexy garlicy kisses. You know you want it!


Saute the garlic for a minute or two, make sure they don’t burn. At this point your kitchen will start smelling oh I don’t know, AMAZING.

Resist putting your face in the pot, because jumpy fly-away garlic in your eye balls are not fun.

Now you put the onions and mushrooms in:


Stir it around get that garlic all over the place:


I usually turn up the heat to medium high now, because I am lazy and impatient.

Cook ’em for a few minutes until the onions are translucent:


Then you put the rest of your ingredients (minus the tomatoes) in:


That gross brown snake lookin’ thing on top? Anchovy paste.
Babes, anchovy paste is the new black. That thing is super yummers.

Stir them around and let them cook while thinking about those old-school smart Italian streetwalkers who came up with a dish this delicious and this easy.


Now you can add the seasonings: salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. Make sure to add enough of these dudes, because well, they are important. But don’t overdo it. Like I said, you have tons of chances to taste them and add if needed.


Then you add the tomatoes.


Mix them up, bring to a quick boil, then simmer.


Oh you beautiful sinful sauce…

Now is the time to taste and add. If you sauce is too thick, add some pasta water.

Oh right, the pasta!

Boil water five minutes ago.


Salt water and if you’re using fresh pasta, add a tablespoon of olive oil so the pasta wont stick.

Now you put the pasta in.


Fresh pasta only takes two or three minutes to cook. Whatever type of pasta you’re using, cook to the box’s directions, till al dente.

As for the sauce, it really doesn’t need to simmer for long at all. This is the best thing about puttanesca. Once it’s nice and hot and you got the taste right, it is finito.

Put a generous amount of pasta on your plate/bowl/plowl.


I eat a LOT, so feel free to be turned off by how much stuff I’m putting in my plowl. I don’t care!

Now place a scoop or seven of the sauce on top of the pasta.


Mix em’ up.


Take a sexy close-up picture.


And then you eat!

Super cheap, super fast, and super easy.
I promise that you. can. not. mess. this. up.

Hello! Rahm Emmanuel is on tv right now. Why am I strangely attracted to him? He’s scary. I need to investigate asap. Spell-checking this post will have to wait.

Good night babies!

Filed under: Mia Attempts to Cook (Recipes), , , , ,

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